We recently passed the “It’s been two months since he left” milestone. And I’ll be honest, I’m not faring as well as I assumed I would.
These first two months have felt much longer and drawn out than I would have cared for. Considering there are approximately six to eight more months to go, I really hoped/thought/needed the first two months to be easier.
I thought staying busy would be a good and necessary distraction. I thought my job and the Monday through Friday routine of work would be the equivalent to time-travel. I thought that moving home, and being surrounded by family so that I was rarely alone, would be a sure-fire formula for escapism.
Turns out all my coping mechanisms are nothing more than very weak, very insecure, very fear-filled and weary attempts of running away from the reality that he is not here and that I can not bring him home sooner by being mind-numbingly busy.
My striving does not, can not, will not right a fractured world filled with war and plagued with a need for justice.
It’s very difficult for me, when asked how I’m doing and how often I hear from The Pilot, not to smile and make them (and myself) believe that it’s really going quite swimmingly. I’m strong. I’m independent. I know what I was getting into when I said, “I do.” I have no excuse to play a victim card and so I refuse to accept people’s pity or remorse for my circumstances.
But truth be told, this is a really arrogant and selfish stance to take. It’s not honest, either.
It’s arrogant because it send the message that I don’t need help. And I do.
It’s selfish because it communicates that I don’t need community and the opportunity to stop thinking about myself. And I do.
It’s not honest because, while I don’t consider myself a victim, I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how to navigate this space outside of trial and error and that’s just hard and so often, painful.
More than any of this, though; beyond all the busy striving and “faking it til I make it” mentality, fear, doubt, and insecurity are truly draining and chipping away at my faith. My faith that says, “God is sovereign. He loves me. He accepts me. And He does not need me to clean myself up before I can be a useful and productive tool for His kingdom.”
My fear says, “I don’t have what it takes after all. I’m not equipped for this and I am failing.”
My doubt says, “I’m not the kind of wife that The Pilot thinks that I am. He can’t see all the ways I’m not holding steady and if he could, he’d be disappointed.”
And my insecurity says, “Try harder. Do more.”
Deep in the recesses of my spirit, I know that my fear, my doubt, and my insecurities are nothing but lies. But friend, they can be so loud.
And the louder I allow them to become, the more isolated I find myself because I feel the need to conquer them on my own. After all, I am the only one that allowed them to gain so much ground, so I must be the one that fends them off.
There in lies the problem.
I can not do it alone. And neither can you. We’re not hard-wired by self-reliance. From the beginning, God created for Adam a helpmate. A helper fit for him.
We’re not only intrinsically made for relationship, but it is through relationship (I believe) that we can more clearly and intimately experience God’s grace and presence in our lives.
Relationships, must be transparent and honest and real and raw of them to be life-giving. Which brings me to my point:
It’s OK to not be OK.
I, am not OK for right now. And friend, there is room here for you if you care to join me. Not to wallow. Not to commiserate. Not to drown in self-pity.
You’re welcome to come broken and share your burden with me and I will share mine with you. And together, let us speak truth and life into the dark places of our hearts. Let us help one another remember, “You do not have to believe everything you feel.” Feelings are fleeting and flippant. The truth of God’s word is unwavering and eternal and it wields much power. So lets encourage each other to preach to ourselves what we believe to be true and hold steadily to the faith we profess.
Where two or more are gathered, He also is there. So come and bring your fears, doubts, and insecurities. You are welcome here. There is room for you here.
And you will never be alone.